10 lessons I learned from under the blamquet
I received my new passport: Fabienne S. Slama. I don’t really like the photo but after all, I never liked my passport photos. This is such an exciting moment and I want to celebrate.
Five years ago, I went through divorce after a twenty-year marriage. From the age of 24 to the age of 44 I had become Fabienne S. Bismuth, using my husband’s name as it is the tradition in many family. I took that name with joy. I took that name with honor. I took that name entirely and fully so much so that on top of leaving my last name, I let go of my identity. I didn’t notice it at first: I was in love. I was okay with it: that was the way to show I was married to my husband. But after few years I noticed that I didn’t exist anymore. Little by little I had become my husband’s wife and my kids’ mom. Me didn’t exist anymore.
How many women make the same choice? I know we have made a lot of progress in today society, still many of us let go of their career, of their passion and in many ways of their identity to support the one they live with. “Behind each good man, there is a great woman” is often true and most of the time behind each successful man, there is a woman who chose to make herself second to support her family.
My divorce was painful and scary. I had to relearn to support myself financially. More importantly, I had to relearn to support myself emotionally and learn to live on my own again.
I was blessed to have the tools I had that allowed me back on my feet emotionally in less than a year. In my book “Renaissance woman” I explain that the beginning in a transition is The End.
The first year of my journey was The End of Fabienne Bismuth, the end of my life as a married woman and the end of the shy, dependent, scared woman I had become of the years
The second year I entered The Limbo phase. At first it was an exhilarating moment of fun and join where I tried to find my new self. I started dating again and I have to admit I had a lot of fun and new experiences. During that year, I traveled a lot, I jumped form an airplane to show to myself I was not scared anymore and I challenged my values to see who I wanted to be.
I only started to calm down during my third year after a terrible heartbreak. I had fallen in love and I had recreated the exact same pattern. I let myself disappear for a man. I had gone against who I wanted to be just to be with him. We had an amazing time together but all my life started to evolve according to his needs again. The problem during the Limbo phase is that you tend to recreate your old pattern. Finally, we broke up and I was lucky to find a man who showed me I could be loved being fully me. I will be eternally grateful for this man. Even though we didn’t stay together he gave me the best gift of love: the certitude that I am perfect the way I am and that I deserve to be here.
Year four was about reconstruction and reclaiming the warrior part of me. I went from Fabienne to Fab, to Dr. Fab recognizing the diploma I never really used and stepping into my power as a business owner, empowering women and men to let go of limiting beliefs to live their best life. That year was all about business and rebuilding the new me. It was also about defining what I really wanted in a relationship and be fully okay on my own.
As I’m entering year five. I reclaim my full identity, the one I was born with. I am Fabienne Sophie Allegra Slama. A woman with her doubt and her strength. A perfectly imperfect human being who can move mountains an instant and cry in her car the next one. Someone who is not afraid to feel her feelings because she knows they are all worthy of being heard. Five years to be reborn. Five years to be totally fine being me.
I look at my brand-new passport. I’m not sure I love the photo but after all who really love their passport photo. I don’t care, I love the woman in this photo and I’m ready to claim me 2.0. Now let’s use this passport and visit the world.
Sometimes you are scared of something really good for you. My client was scared of drinking water.
Happiness is made of little moments, little choices.
Happiness is when you decide to smile in the morning and focus on the positive instead of the negative.
Happiness is when you let go of what is not serving you: a toxic relationship, a dismissive belief, an old story...
Happiness is a reminder to you that you are perfectly imperfect. That pain is inevitable but that you control the suffering this pain creates in you and around you.
Sometimes life happens and you crumble under pressure. Too much work, too much stress, not enough money, feeling lonely. When this happens, it's natural to react in two different ways: you can feel like a victim and feel sad, even depressed or you can feel angry and fight. That's what we often describe as the freeze, fight, fly response.
Getting a "negative" or "catabolic" response to the stress of life is not the problem. The problem is How much are you staying stuck in this response?
If you have been stuck for way too long, it may be time to do something about it. There are many tools to move up on the scale from catabolic to anabolic energy.*
The number one tool is to feel and acknowledge your feelings.
You have the right to feel the way you feel and beating yourself up for feeling that way won't help. So feel it and then let go. Fighting the feeling will actually increase it over time and even if you can forget about it for a while, it will reappear later on in your life when you least expect it.
Obviously there is more than one tool to release stress: EFT or Tapping, Therapeutic shaking, exercise, walking in nature, meditation and so many more.
One thing I do every day is to ask myself, how do I feel today? And if there is something to address, I address the feeling right away, before it becomes a monster.
Breathing, Feeling, Smiling! Have a FabYOUlicious day :)
*The Energy Pyramid is an excerpt from my book Renaissance Woman: A Feminine Midlife Crisis from Loss of identity to rebirth. Order your copy of the book here.
Welcome to this New Year. Welcome to New dreams. Letting go of the past. Nothing can be changed anymore. it's behind us and a bright new future is ahead.
Every year starts with a smile and a hope that this year will be different, that we will loose this extra weight, make this extra income, run that marathon or achieve the dream we never reached. Each year we are full of hope and resolutions and most of the time we let those resolution slip through our fingers way too quickly.
Want real change? Here are my 5 secrets to get there:
- Be grateful of what was good in 2016. Let get of what was bad. After all it's behind you.
- Embrace the unknown. Every day I see people afraid of this blank page in front of them. Don't worry. If you have a blank page, it's for you to draw or write anything you want on it.
- Don't try to change everything at once. Not everything has to change on one day. You can choose your new beginning any time you want.
- Take the time to feel why you want to change something. Find the first steps you need to take. Embrace the way you will feel once you achieve your goal. Wanting is not enough. You have to feel it in your guts.
- Reach out for help. Find an accountability partner. Hire a Coach. Sign up with this trainer. Sometimes it's easier when you have a team by your side.
You can do it!!! Get started .... Welcome 2017. You're going to be amazing.
What are your dreams for 2017? Please let me know :)
We all feel stressed at one point or another of our life. But it’s fair to say that considering divorce or dealing with the aftermath of one is very high in the scale of stress. For some it can even be one of the most stressful event they will ever experience.
If you want to know how you tend to react to stress and how you can react differently, this article is for you.
Going in the middle of the afternoon to my local supermarket. 4 lines opened. All packed. I choose to stand behind an older man who has just a boxed meal in his cart. The woman in front of him has a full cart but it should not take that long…. Or maybe it should. Couple minutes pass. We still don’t move.
As we are complaining that we chose the wrong lane, he starts sharing with me that he comes here every day to get his dinner. His wife of 40 years passed last April and since then he barely can get out of the house once a day to get one meal. They have no kid, no family members. They were all for each other and I just stay there listening to him as he tells me about the last week of her life, the funeral by himself, and then that, a life he doesn’t know what to do about.
I listen and then ask him what type of woman she was. His eyes light up as he tells me how they met as he retired as a Navy officer. He was probably a strong guy and she was this outgoing bubbly woman who liked to buy nice dresses :). He smiles thinking of her and they tears comes to his eyes. It’s so hard to see a grown up man cry in silence. He tells me he is good with computer, that he once had a company and maybe he should try to do something. One step at a time.
Today was his day to share with a perfect stranger. The line didn’t move for over 10 minute and none of us moved to the next lane that was now empty. My role was just to hold space for him. His role was to be vulnerable and say his pain. There are sometime as an emotional healer the most generous gift you can share is the gift of your time, undivided attention and listen the person in pain.
As I am launching my program Heartbreak 911, I realize that this encounter was not coincidence. A way for him to express his feeling, a way for me to get a dose of humility and recognize that sometimes there is nothing I can do beyond being present as a human being.
A perfect encounter.
I approach the clay with no judgment. Only one intention: to express beauty.
For the past 16 years, I have been the sculptor of women. Feeling women, Emotional Women, Sassy Women, Women in bronze and in stone. Every time I touch the clay, i can see the potential in this block of 10 by 10 by 18. Who will she be? Will she be an happy one, a pensive one. How can express what is inside of her? How can I express her message?
So I let her talk and I listen. The silences being as meaningful as the words. I listen to her pains and her struggles, i listen to her fear of not being enough or of being too much. I listen to her perfectly imperfect expression and I let her live her full potential. I send her love. I send her peace. I send her life. And here she is.
For the past 16 years, I have been the sculptor of women. And more recently I discovered that I could help those women sculpt themselves. Sculpt their dream. Sculpt their future. Sculpt their feeling. Sculpt the perfectly imperfect being they are and find joy, love and peace within themselves. Find this sassy attitude knowing that they are enough. Be okay being who they are day after day.
This is where Sculpture by Fab and FabYOUlicious come together as one.
If you would like, come to see us this weekend 1691 Grant Road in Mountain View as part as my Open Studio. Friday May 20 , 6-9pm, Saturday May 21 and Sunday May 22, 11am to 5pm.
Few years ago when I started my journey to become a Core Energy Coach and Hypnotherapist I had to write down what I wanted my life to look like in the future.
All the things I dreamt of on that day became true one after the other except for one: I wanted to speak on a big stage and be an inspiring leader.
This weekend this dream is becoming true.
I was invited to speak at the Ultimate Woman Expo this coming weekend
October 3-4, 2015 | San Mateo Event Center (On the SF Peninsula)
Saturday 10AM ~ 5PM and Sunday 11AM ~ 5PM
Join me on stage Saturday October 3rd at 2pm. The title of my talk, of course is:
Date like a French Lady: the best secrets to get the relationship you want and deserve.
I will be there all weekend long to sign copy of my book Renaissance Woman and to get to meet all of you.
Of course my friend and amazing Jeweler Elisabeth Michel will present her most recent creations and few of my Sassy Ladies might even join the fun.
Do not miss this great event.!
Food is Fuel... Are you kidding me? Eating mindfully is part of the pleasure of life and this is why French women stay thin.
Apparently French women have a "je ne sais quoi" that men attracted by us.
Here are 10 things you might want to consider doing if you want to date like a French lady.
It's okay to be scared. Just enjoy the journey because it will be one toward happiness.